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Grip the bat this way so you don’t miss the baseball like you always do; break in your mitt as soon as you buy it; come home right after practice and clean your room; put your video games away, you ungrateful brat; don’t forget to break in your mitt; do all your chores quickly and don’t take any breaks to have a cookie; listen to your mother and don’t ask me questions; do your homework so you don’t become an unsuccessful bum having to live off me and your mother for your entire life; help your sister with her homework when she whines; eat your broccoli; read a passage from the Bible once a night or you’ll go to hell; I thought Jesus forgives all?; don’t ever question anything I say; don’t be afraid to injure the other team’s best player if it leads to victory; remember to keep your stance wide and your eye on the ball; second place is the first loser; don’t disappoint me; don’t let down your mother; failure literally isn’t an option, we aren’t afraid to abandon you; find a nice girl to date; stay out of the kitchen, always act like a man; be a gentleman, respect her if she says “no,”; tell your mom to get me a beer; never change the channel when I watch television; but I’m sick of watching sports; I think your mother is putting too much of that strange estrogen vitamin in your meals; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree; never bring your family apple picking, it’s bad luck; there is such a thing as a good time to lie; Democrats are ignorant because they never have any good things to say about anything; go to a college that is known to all the neighbors, but only if they think it’s a good school; follow your dreams; your mother and I firmly believe that majoring in Accounting is clearly the wisest choice for you; I don’t even like math; I’m guessing that you don’t like girls either?; stop worrying about the future, you’re only 11; I’m 13; stop being ungrateful; accept that life is meaningless because everyone in the world will eventually die; heaven might not be real; try to live life without regrets; choose Wendy’s over McDonald’s because it seems classier; get used to riding a bike because I’m definitely not buying you a car; you never even taught me how to ride one; well go learn on your own; are you going to be a failure or success in life?
